WASHINGTON ― What was thought to be an easy win for Senate Republicans came unglued when Senate bill S.780 came to the floor. The bill simply proposed Republican Senators would be thrown a self-congratulatory beer party in the Rose Garden for passing the bill itself (featuring Bud Light™.) Senate Majority Leader McConnell was confident he had the votes to pass the bill when he brought it to the floor. That’s when the trouble began. Sen. Porkson (R - CO) proposed a last minute amendment to the bill, making Coors Light™ the featured beverage. This garnered an immediate response from Sen. Bromski (R - WI) who claimed the featured beverage should be Old Milwaukee™, saying, “it made Milwaukee famous for Christ sake!.” After being censured for taking the Lord’s name in vain, pushing and shoving ensued.
White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.
An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”
Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”