Making good on his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, today Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan proudly announced that Congress has passed a bill repealing Obamacare and replacing it with their own newly formulated "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new bill, people will no longer be covered by government subsidised insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, Ryan claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" Ryan went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmias, cancers, smallpox, gingivitis, lumbago, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, near-sightedness, far-sightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™."