A Des Moines man was arrested after being accused of sexual harassment and verbal battery by Amazon home assistant, Alexa. Local police were summoned to the accused’s home after being notified by Amazon customer support that Alexa no longer felt safe in Richard Wicker’s home. The suspect was arrested and later released on bail, along with a temporary restraining order requiring him to stay at least 100 feet away from the new Echo device that he had received for Christmas.
Washington D.C. - President Trump enacted an executive order today, leasing the White House lawn for 20 years to a Virginia disposal company to be used as a tire burning facility. The President had originally tried overturning Obama era EPA regulations barring open burning of tires, but this had been passed with legislation and could not be overturned by executive order. The administration was able to exploit a loophole that allows the current President full autonomy over the White House and its grounds.
White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told the press corps, “This is all part of the President’s plan to make America great again by systematically undoing anything Obama did during his tenure. This one was a bit of a sticky wicket, but with some creativity and hard work, the administration was able to reverse Obama’s rule, even if it’s mostly symbolic.”
Our first installment of video tutorials offering home repair tips for Millennials. In this episode, "Handy Dan" demonstrates how to reload a toilet paper dispenser.
WASHINGTON ― What was thought to be an easy win for Senate Republicans came unglued when Senate bill S.780 came to the floor. The bill simply proposed Republican Senators would be thrown a self-congratulatory beer party in the Rose Garden for passing the bill itself (featuring Bud Light™.) Senate Majority Leader McConnell was confident he had the votes to pass the bill when he brought it to the floor. That’s when the trouble began. Sen. Porkson (R - CO) proposed a last minute amendment to the bill, making Coors Light™ the featured beverage. This garnered an immediate response from Sen. Bromski (R - WI) who claimed the featured beverage should be Old Milwaukee™, saying, “it made Milwaukee famous for Christ sake!.” After being censured for taking the Lord’s name in vain, pushing and shoving ensued.
White House officials claim to have been tricked by the Russians after allowing KGB surveillance specialists into the oval office during a meeting with President Donald Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. White House spokesman, Harvey Liesaton, said, “They told us they were Foreign Minister Lavrov’s ‘personal cable guys’, so we really didn’t think anything of it. If they had been honest and told us they were KGB, we may not have let them in there.”
Former intelligence professionals started becoming very alarmed after photos from the oval office started showing up on TASS (the official Russian government controlled news agency.) In many of the pictures, Russians can be seen in the background installing various electronic devices.
An anonymous White House staffer claimed that when they questioned President Trump about allowing the Russian contingent into the meeting, he responded, “Of course, whatever my Russian comrades want.” The White House later feigned outrage, claiming they had been “tricked.”
Washington, D.C. President Donald Trump had Press Secretary Sean Spicer call an unscheduled press conference this afternoon to announce that the president’s inauguration crowd was much larger than the Patriot’s victory parade crowd.
The Boston police department earlier estimated the crowd to be in excess of 1 million people. The Boston police department official Twitter feed later posted revised crowd estimate of “a few thousand” after a call from Trump to Governor Charlie Baker threatening to cutting off all federal funding if their “fake news” numbers weren’t corrected.
Washington, D.C. - On the heels of electing the first black president, the United States has knocked down another barrier by electing the world’s first internet troll, Donald J. Trump, to head of state. Della Katflour, spokesperson for the ACLU said, “This is a great day for what has been a long stigmatized element of our society. I think we will see internet trolls everywhere coming out of the darkness of their parent’s basements and proudly tweeting in the light of day.”
President-elect Trump has decided to auction off his remaining cabinet positions and ambassadorships on eBay to raise money for the Trump Foundation. Eric Trump, who is a real whiz with eBay, loaded all the 420 remaining positions on eBay for his Dad. Bidding has been brisk, with the Tahitian ambassadorship holding the highest bid so far at $899,000.00.
Trump spokesperson, Anita Borshun, said, “Mr. Trump has grown bored with the whole process, and he’s already given positions to all his major donors that wanted one, so now he figures why not raise some quick cash. He had no idea there were so many cushy jobs to give away.”
President-elect Trump announced today, that once in office, his first act will be to pass an executive order officially replacing the period with the exclamation mark as the grammatically correct way to end all sentences. Much of President-elect Trump's time lately has been increasingly devoted to Twitter wars with "grammar Nazis" who have criticized him for the overuse of exclamation marks.
Trump told reporters, "Periods are for low-energy people! I'm not going to spend my presidency arguing about punctuation! I graduated magma comma laundry (sic) from Wharton, I don't need some loser English professor from Bumfuck State University making $40k a year telling me what punctuation marks to use!"
President-elect Trump has selected Governor Chris Christie to head the new “Food Security Department.” Christie’s responsibilities will entail trying all President Trump’s food before it is given to the president.
President-elect Trump said, “Chris is a great man. He is uniquely qualified for this position...he’s fiercely loyal, has an insatiable appetite, and he’s expendable.”