Dan Raymo

Dan Raymo

 

After scrambling to find people willing to speak at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, the Trump campaign today released a list of scheduled speakers. Trump tweeted, "I think everyone will be quite amazed at the really great lineup I've put together for the convention #bringcheckbook." 

Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)

Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.

NEW YORK — MSNBC today announced that they will rebranding their popular morning show, "morning joe", to "morning trump". Vice-president of programming, Arnold Putz said, "The new name will more accurately represent to our viewers the content of the show. The show's format will more or less stay the same — 100% coverage of Donald Trump — only now, Mika will be gagged to prevent her from blurting out stuff about that old jewish guy. What's his name? Flanders?"

The Clinton campaign announced a major rebranding after Hillary's devastating loss in New Hampshire. The Clinton campaign is now going to re-focus on the youth vote and her perceived strength with African-American voters. After adopting all of Sanders' policy positions as her own without results, the campaign has opted for more drastic measures.

The campaign has brought on rap producer Jerome "Biggie" Grimes to help work on Clinton's image. Gone are the pant suits, replaced by an entire new "youthful" look, including hip clothes, tattoos and dreadlocked hair. Clinton has worked tirelessly with image coaches to hone her new image. Clinton campaign rallies now exude a whole new vibe, including opening them to the sounds of Nas' rap anthem, "Hate Me Now". 

When asked about the new image, Clinton remarked, "Hey dude, call me "Hills". If the kids don't dig me, that's cool, I still gots (sic) their backs. We're gonna connects (sic) with my brothers and sisters more on that Facebookie thingy and other fashizzle. I thinks (sic) once they gets (sic) to knows (sic) me, they's (sic) gonna like me better than that square, Sanders."

Early response to the new tone of the campaign has been guarded. At a campaign event this morning in Greenville, SC., the crowd stared in stunned disbelief as "Hills" concluded her stump speech with a mic drop echoing through the otherwise silent gymnasium.

 

Featuring a realistically proportioned body, including a healthy beer gut, moobs, and realistic receding hairline, you won't have to worry about damaging your son's fragile ego by giving him an unrealistic body image.

But don't worry! "Real" Ken still has his manly swagger. He's still brimming with self-confidence, even with his realistic proportions. And of course, he'll still only date "original" Barbie. Sorry "real" Barbie...nice try!

Beach Ken, comes with an authentic "grape smuggling" swimsuit that isn't afraid to show off his realistically sized "assets" (same as "original" Ken's.)

And don't worry, Ken can still drive to the beach in your old Barbie Corvette (booster seat sold separately.)

Complaining that the NFL's efforts to protect its players has made the sport boring and unsuitable for satisfying the blood lust of Americans, he has promised to bring back Gladiator battles if elected. Trump promised, "The NFL has gone soft like America. In view of the Whitehouse, I will build the greatest colosseum the world has ever seen, and on those sands I will provide our once great country with the blood sports they deserve."

Rhett Jeppson, Director of the U.S. Mint, today announced that Caitlyn Jenner will grace the new $10 bill to be released in 2017.  There had been talk for sometime about the bill being replaced with a bill featuring a woman.  The Mint ran a contest on its website, allowing U.S. citizens to cast votes for a woman to be featured on the new bill. Over 2.2 million people voted, and Jenner won by a slim margin over Beyoncé (full voting results below.)

In a remarkable upset, the Geico Peter Pan commercial swept almost all the major awards at the Golden Globes, including "Best Picture". Thomas Barbusca, took "Best Actor", for his starring role as Peter Pan.  Alan Brooks and Betsy Baker took "Best Supporting Actor and Actress" for their respective roles as Phil and Jo Ann.  Only Brie Larson was able to break Peter Pan's stranglehold on the awards by winning "Best Actress" for Room. Geico's Peter Pan also won, "Best Director, Best Adaptation of a Screenplay, Best Song, and Best Cinematography."

Making good on his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, today Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan proudly announced that Congress has passed a bill repealing Obamacare and replacing it with their own newly formulated "miracle" cure-all elixir.

Under the new bill, people will no longer be covered by government subsidised insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, Ryan claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" Ryan went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmias, cancers, smallpox, gingivitis, lumbago, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, near-sightedness, far-sightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™."

In what seems more like an extended book tour than a Presidential campaign, and on the heels of the release of his wife, Candy Carson's book, the Carson's pet dog Milo today released a book of his own. Carson has already sold hundreds of thousands of books on his campaign and was shilling Milo's on the campaign trail in Iowa today.

The book, Pugnacious, details the story of the dog's life, starting as an angry and unruly young puppy coming of age under the sage tutelage of owner and master, Ben Carson. Milo's exploits as a young pup are chronicled in sometimes shocking detail, with stories of defecating on family rugs and tearing furniture to shreds. Later, under the watchful eye of a kind and Christian Ben Carson, Milo becomes a model citizen and cherished family pet.

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