In a press conference today, Donald Trump unveiled the design for the wall he plans to build on the Mexican border. He announced, "This will be the greatest wall in the history of the universe. This wall will let the world know that we will not be kicked around any more. I will make America great again. If you elect me, I will build this wall and keep you safe from rapists, drug addicts, murderers and terrorists."
In what would seem early even in the crazy world of cable news, CNN announced today that they have called the Democratic primary race for Hillary Clinton. This is somewhat surprising since the Democratic convention is still over six months away and not a single vote has been cast.
In off-air comments, anchor Wolf Blitzer said, “In this dog eat dog news world, you have to be bold to beat the competition, and let’s face it — we’ve had Clinton as the de facto winner for over three years now; we’d look pretty silly if she wasn’t declared the winner. I wanted to call it after Biden dropped out.”
During a campaign event in Charleston, SC today, Donald Trump promised, if elected, he would provide a luxury penthouse to all white families. His speech started with his normal fare, promising to build a giant wall along our southern border and have Mexico pay for it, deporting 10 million illegal immigrants, bombing ISIS to kingdom come and taking and keeping their oil, and barring all Muslims from entering the country. At this point, Trump seemed to sense a lack of excitement in the crowd and quickly transitioned to outlining his new housing plan:
Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders today unveiled his “evil weather changing plot” that he will unleash on the earth should he lose the Democratic primary.
Suggesting that he’s been treated less than fairly by the DNC, with minimal debates and with those debates strategically placed during low viewership times, Sanders has vowed to wreak havoc on the world if he loses, unless the United Nations pays him “ONE MILLION DOLLARS”.
After Cleveland Browns' quarterback Johnny Manziel showed up for practice Tuesday wearing a Romco™ Helmet Caddie® loaded with beer, coach Mike Pettine announced that he's had enough and would start Josh McCown in the Brown's upcoming game. Pettine said, "At first we thought it was a joke, but when Johnny refused to remove it after being repeatedly asked, I finally had enough."
In an interview on the PBS News Hour, reporter Fred Harken asked Republican candidate Donald Trump how he could justify the expense of a Mexican border wall when new Pew data clearly shows that Mexicans are actually leaving the US and not coming in — Mr. Trump surprised him by showing remarkable candor, saying, "Look Fred, I'm going to tell you something I probably shouldn't, but no one watches your stupid channel anyhow. I'm not building a wall to keep Mexicans out...that's just the story for the dummies voting. I'm building the wall to keep them in. Have you ever tried to run a hotel with white people? Christ...Americans are lazy assholes, I'd be out of business in 10 minutes if I didn't have all these Mexicans to keep my hotels cleaned and maintained. Damn those people work like fiends for peanuts. If you're white...a guy like Gary Busey can become a rich celebrity. So you can imagine the ignoramuses I'd be dealing with trying to staff my businesses with Americans?" Trump went on, "And it's not just me Fred, I talk to a lot of farmers...farmers love me... well you know that, everyone loves me. They say, 'Mr. Trump, what are you doing? You're going to put us out of business with that wall.' I just give them a little wink and and a nod, and tell them not to worry. They get it. It's only all the other dummies that I tell it's to keep them out."
The new report from Pew Research clearly shows that Trump has reason to be worried. Net immigration from Mexico since 2009 was negative 140,000.
In an awkward on-air debate this past Thursday, Fox Business Network anchor Neil Cavuto destroyed 2 ¾ year old Tanisha Jones of the Million Student March over issues ranging from a $15 minimum wage to free public education. Jones kept up for a while, but wilted under the barrage of "but who's going to pay for it?" questions from a smug Cavuto, finally having to leave after 8 minutes with a poopy diaper.
With what could be the most damaging salvo yet in the liberal war on Christmas, Starbucks annual holiday cup was revealed this week, and to the shock and horror of Christians everywhere, the stark red cup featured only the Starbucks logo and none of the traditional Christian symbols of Christmas – snowmen, Santa, snowflakes, etc.
Donald Trump, avid church goer and devout Christian who formulates all his policy positions based on internet memes and Twitter posts, immediately called for a boycott of Starbucks.
Social media immediately lit up, with outraged Christians posting their displeasure and disappointment.
When asked about the controversy, Herman Hedman (VP of Marketing for Starbucks) responded, "To be perfectly honest, I think our cup designer procrastinated to the point that this was all he could come up with at the last minute." Starbucks has no immediate plans to change the cup.
In an attempt to appeal to the far right, Marco Rubio’s stance on immigration has evolved once again. While campaigning at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire, Rubio hinted that he would be open to deporting ‘dreamers’.
When questioned further by reporters about why he would be against a path to citizenship considering that both his parents were immigrants, he doubled-down stating, “Even though my parents are US citizens, I wouldn’t be against deporting them as well, really I think anyone caught speaking Spanish should be deported. If you’re going to be in the US, you should speak our language -- English. Asked if that policy wouldn’t also affect him, Rubio said, “I guess so, if I’m elected, I’ll have myself deported immediately.”