Dan Raymo

Dan Raymo

In an awkward on-air debate this past Thursday, Fox Business Network anchor Neil Cavuto destroyed 2 ¾ year old Tanisha Jones of the Million Student March over issues ranging from a $15 minimum wage to free public education. Jones kept up for a while, but wilted under the barrage of "but who's going to pay for it?" questions from a smug Cavuto, finally having to leave after 8 minutes with a poopy diaper.

With what could be the most damaging salvo yet in the liberal war on Christmas, Starbucks annual holiday cup was revealed this week, and to the shock and horror of Christians everywhere, the stark red cup featured only the Starbucks logo and none of the traditional Christian symbols of Christmas – snowmen, Santa, snowflakes, etc.

Donald Trump, avid church goer and devout Christian who formulates all his policy positions based on internet memes and Twitter posts, immediately called for a boycott of Starbucks.

Social media immediately lit up, with outraged Christians posting their displeasure and disappointment.

When asked about the controversy, Herman Hedman (VP of Marketing for Starbucks) responded, "To be perfectly honest, I think our cup designer procrastinated to the point that this was all he could come up with at the last minute." Starbucks has no immediate plans to change the cup. 

In an attempt to appeal to the far right, Marco Rubio’s stance on immigration has evolved once again. While campaigning at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire, Rubio hinted that he would be open to deporting ‘dreamers’.

When questioned further by reporters about why he would be against a path to citizenship considering that both his parents were immigrants, he doubled-down stating, “Even though my parents are US citizens, I wouldn’t be against deporting them as well, really I think anyone caught speaking Spanish should be deported. If you’re going to be in the US, you should speak our language -- English. Asked if that policy wouldn’t also affect him, Rubio said, “I guess so, if I’m elected, I’ll have myself deported immediately.”

  1. Build a fort with the couch cushions.

  2. Scrapbook with his mom.

  3. Binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supergirl.

  4. Paint a better picture of himself taking a bath than the one by his stupid  brother George.

  5. Work on his "Veto Corleone" impression.

  6. Build a Donald Trump piñata.

  7. Finally finish the first Harry Potter book.

  8. Have a sleepover at Mom and Dad’s house.

  9. Find out what this Facebook is all about.

  10. Make prank calls to Trump Towers.

 

 

Leader of the Freedom House Caucus, Justin Amash (R - MI) today announced the nomination of a traffic cone for Speaker of the House. The Freedom House Caucus has threatened to vote down every other candidate up till now, claiming that they were not conservative enough.

With public outrage growing over the Benghazi committee, which has gone on longer than the Watergate committee and has cost taxpayers in excess of $5 million, and has now been exposed by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) as simply a scheme to politically ruin Hillary Clinton, GOP leaders are forming a new committee to decide on the focus for a post-Benghazi committee.

Des Moines - In a press conference today, Hillary Clinton finally offered a position on the XL pipeline, coming out against it. She had been resistant to offering her opinion on most issues to this point. Her diminishing lead in the polls and pressure from voters may have been behind her new forthcomingness. 

When pressed to give her positions on other issues, Clinton stated, "I'm really on the side of whatever Bernie Sanders has supported for the last few decades, but I reserve the right to amend those positions depending on upcoming poll numbers."  Asked if she would be open to more Democratic debates, Clinton said, "I'm perfectly open to more debates, but it is really up to my campaign manager Debbie Wasserman Schultz...ehhh...I mean DNC Chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz." Clinton added that her full position paper could be found on her website at www.berniesanders.com

 

BERLIN - On the heels of VW's emissions cheating scandal, today VW CEO Martin Winterkorn admitted that the ads they ran in the 1990's claiming that their cars provided "Fahrvergnügen" may have been exaggerations.  Claims of "Fahrvergnügen", translated as "driving enjoyment" are now being investigated by the U.S. Justice Department.

TRUMP BY THE NUMBERS

New polls suggest that Donald Trump may be maxing out his support in his bid for President in 2016. Trump has failed to increase support outside of his core demographic support groups.  A recent Quiniticuit University poll shows that the vast majority of Trump's support comes from limited demographic groups, with 55.5% of his support coming from only two groups, "guys with barking dogs chained in their backyards" and "men who think FoxNews is too liberal." In two key demographic groups, women and latinos, he has not been able to garner virtually any support (outside the Palin family.) While this may be enough to give him victories in bumfuck states like Iowa and New Hampshire, it may be a sign of problems in more progressive states and certainly in the general election.

 

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