Dan Raymo

Dan Raymo

  1. Build a fort with the couch cushions.

  2. Scrapbook with his mom.

  3. Binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supergirl.

  4. Paint a better picture of himself taking a bath than the one by his stupid  brother George.

  5. Work on his "Veto Corleone" impression.

  6. Build a Donald Trump piñata.

  7. Finally finish the first Harry Potter book.

  8. Have a sleepover at Mom and Dad’s house.

  9. Find out what this Facebook is all about.

  10. Make prank calls to Trump Towers.

 

 

Leader of the Freedom House Caucus, Justin Amash (R - MI) today announced the nomination of a traffic cone for Speaker of the House. The Freedom House Caucus has threatened to vote down every other candidate up till now, claiming that they were not conservative enough.

With public outrage growing over the Benghazi committee, which has gone on longer than the Watergate committee and has cost taxpayers in excess of $5 million, and has now been exposed by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) as simply a scheme to politically ruin Hillary Clinton, GOP leaders are forming a new committee to decide on the focus for a post-Benghazi committee.

Des Moines - In a press conference today, Hillary Clinton finally offered a position on the XL pipeline, coming out against it. She had been resistant to offering her opinion on most issues to this point. Her diminishing lead in the polls and pressure from voters may have been behind her new forthcomingness. 

When pressed to give her positions on other issues, Clinton stated, "I'm really on the side of whatever Bernie Sanders has supported for the last few decades, but I reserve the right to amend those positions depending on upcoming poll numbers."  Asked if she would be open to more Democratic debates, Clinton said, "I'm perfectly open to more debates, but it is really up to my campaign manager Debbie Wasserman Schultz...ehhh...I mean DNC Chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz." Clinton added that her full position paper could be found on her website at www.berniesanders.com

 

BERLIN - On the heels of VW's emissions cheating scandal, today VW CEO Martin Winterkorn admitted that the ads they ran in the 1990's claiming that their cars provided "Fahrvergnügen" may have been exaggerations.  Claims of "Fahrvergnügen", translated as "driving enjoyment" are now being investigated by the U.S. Justice Department.

TRUMP BY THE NUMBERS

New polls suggest that Donald Trump may be maxing out his support in his bid for President in 2016. Trump has failed to increase support outside of his core demographic support groups.  A recent Quiniticuit University poll shows that the vast majority of Trump's support comes from limited demographic groups, with 55.5% of his support coming from only two groups, "guys with barking dogs chained in their backyards" and "men who think FoxNews is too liberal." In two key demographic groups, women and latinos, he has not been able to garner virtually any support (outside the Palin family.) While this may be enough to give him victories in bumfuck states like Iowa and New Hampshire, it may be a sign of problems in more progressive states and certainly in the general election.

 

After reviewing game films of last week's Steelers loss, Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin filed cheating charges with the NFL league offices, claiming the Patriots used 11 players on a Rob Gronkowski touchdown.  Gronkowski was left uncovered by the Steelers, allowing the Patriots an easy first half touchdown. Tomlin later withdrew the complaint when the league offices reminded him that teams were allowed (and in fact encouraged) to field 11 players. Tomlin seemed unaware of this league rule, often times fielding only 10 players during the game. 

After Fox News' first GOP Presidential debate devolved into nothing more than two hours of each candidate making outlandish claims about how big a wall they would build and how many abortions they would prevent, CNN was scrambling to provide a format for the next debate that would produce more substantive results. They stole a page right from Fox's own playbook, copying the format of Fox's hit show, Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Last night's debate, moderated by Jeff Foxworthy, featured the GOP candidates debating precocious 5th graders (or 3rd graders in the earlier debate for the candidates that did not make the top 11.) 

While looking for old furniture to refurbish with kitschy paint schemes, Verizon Junior Executive Julie Woodbottom miraculously purchased AOL for $10 at a yard sale. With the purchase, Verizon is now able to offer dial-up internet service along with their flagship FIOS high-speed internet.

Page 4 of 4