In a remarkable upset, the Geico Peter Pan commercial swept almost all the major awards at the Golden Globes, including "Best Picture". Thomas Barbusca, took "Best Actor", for his starring role as Peter Pan. Alan Brooks and Betsy Baker took "Best Supporting Actor and Actress" for their respective roles as Phil and Jo Ann. Only Brie Larson was able to break Peter Pan's stranglehold on the awards by winning "Best Actress" for Room. Geico's Peter Pan also won, "Best Director, Best Adaptation of a Screenplay, Best Song, and Best Cinematography."
Making good on his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, today Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan proudly announced that Congress has passed a bill repealing Obamacare and replacing it with their own newly formulated "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new bill, people will no longer be covered by government subsidised insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, Ryan claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" Ryan went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmias, cancers, smallpox, gingivitis, lumbago, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, near-sightedness, far-sightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™."
In what seems more like an extended book tour than a Presidential campaign, and on the heels of the release of his wife, Candy Carson's book, the Carson's pet dog Milo today released a book of his own. Carson has already sold hundreds of thousands of books on his campaign and was shilling Milo's on the campaign trail in Iowa today.
The book, Pugnacious, details the story of the dog's life, starting as an angry and unruly young puppy coming of age under the sage tutelage of owner and master, Ben Carson. Milo's exploits as a young pup are chronicled in sometimes shocking detail, with stories of defecating on family rugs and tearing furniture to shreds. Later, under the watchful eye of a kind and Christian Ben Carson, Milo becomes a model citizen and cherished family pet.
In a press conference today, Donald Trump unveiled the design for the wall he plans to build on the Mexican border. He announced, "This will be the greatest wall in the history of the universe. This wall will let the world know that we will not be kicked around any more. I will make America great again. If you elect me, I will build this wall and keep you safe from rapists, drug addicts, murderers and terrorists."
In what would seem early even in the crazy world of cable news, CNN announced today that they have called the Democratic primary race for Hillary Clinton. This is somewhat surprising since the Democratic convention is still over six months away and not a single vote has been cast.
In off-air comments, anchor Wolf Blitzer said, “In this dog eat dog news world, you have to be bold to beat the competition, and let’s face it — we’ve had Clinton as the de facto winner for over three years now; we’d look pretty silly if she wasn’t declared the winner. I wanted to call it after Biden dropped out.”
During a campaign event in Charleston, SC today, Donald Trump promised, if elected, he would provide a luxury penthouse to all white families. His speech started with his normal fare, promising to build a giant wall along our southern border and have Mexico pay for it, deporting 10 million illegal immigrants, bombing ISIS to kingdom come and taking and keeping their oil, and barring all Muslims from entering the country. At this point, Trump seemed to sense a lack of excitement in the crowd and quickly transitioned to outlining his new housing plan:
Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders today unveiled his “evil weather changing plot” that he will unleash on the earth should he lose the Democratic primary.
Suggesting that he’s been treated less than fairly by the DNC, with minimal debates and with those debates strategically placed during low viewership times, Sanders has vowed to wreak havoc on the world if he loses, unless the United Nations pays him “ONE MILLION DOLLARS”.
After Cleveland Browns' quarterback Johnny Manziel showed up for practice Tuesday wearing a Romco™ Helmet Caddie® loaded with beer, coach Mike Pettine announced that he's had enough and would start Josh McCown in the Brown's upcoming game. Pettine said, "At first we thought it was a joke, but when Johnny refused to remove it after being repeatedly asked, I finally had enough."
In an interview on the PBS News Hour, reporter Fred Harken asked Republican candidate Donald Trump how he could justify the expense of a Mexican border wall when new Pew data clearly shows that Mexicans are actually leaving the US and not coming in — Mr. Trump surprised him by showing remarkable candor, saying, "Look Fred, I'm going to tell you something I probably shouldn't, but no one watches your stupid channel anyhow. I'm not building a wall to keep Mexicans out...that's just the story for the dummies voting. I'm building the wall to keep them in. Have you ever tried to run a hotel with white people? Christ...Americans are lazy assholes, I'd be out of business in 10 minutes if I didn't have all these Mexicans to keep my hotels cleaned and maintained. Damn those people work like fiends for peanuts. If you're white...a guy like Gary Busey can become a rich celebrity. So you can imagine the ignoramuses I'd be dealing with trying to staff my businesses with Americans?" Trump went on, "And it's not just me Fred, I talk to a lot of farmers...farmers love me... well you know that, everyone loves me. They say, 'Mr. Trump, what are you doing? You're going to put us out of business with that wall.' I just give them a little wink and and a nod, and tell them not to worry. They get it. It's only all the other dummies that I tell it's to keep them out."
The new report from Pew Research clearly shows that Trump has reason to be worried. Net immigration from Mexico since 2009 was negative 140,000.