Washington D.C. - President Trump enacted an executive order today, leasing the White House lawn for 20 years to a Virginia disposal company to be used as a tire burning facility. The President had originally tried overturning Obama era EPA regulations barring open burning of tires, but this had been passed with legislation and could not be overturned by executive order. The administration was able to exploit a loophole that allows the current President full autonomy over the White House and its grounds.
White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told the press corps, “This is all part of the President’s plan to make America great again by systematically undoing anything Obama did during his tenure. This one was a bit of a sticky wicket, but with some creativity and hard work, the administration was able to reverse Obama’s rule, even if it’s mostly symbolic.”
Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”
Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)
Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.