Dan Raymo

Dan Raymo

New York - A new poll from Monolith Polling suggests that despite Sanders’ endorsement of Clinton, Sanders’ supporters have moved on to the “next big thing”, and she will get very little help from them in November. 

Only 1% of those 35 or younger, identifying themselves as “Sanders’ supporters”, said they would vote for Clinton in November. 95% of them said they would not vote at all and would instead be playing Pokémon GO. 

Sacramento, California - In another setback for Elon Musk and Tesla, one of their new Model X vehicles transformed into a car crushing robot and tore a Hummer in half, instantly killing the douche bag inside. Apparently, the driver of the Tesla, Herbert Lutz pressed the “revenge” button on the Tesla’s instrument panel. Lutz said, “I know I wasn’t supposed to touch that button — they had told me it was in beta testing, but I always wondered what it did. So when this a-hole in a gas-guzzling Hummer cut me off, forcing auto-pilot to slam on the brakes, curiosity got the better of me. I thought it would yell at him or something, I had no idea it would lead to all this trouble.”

Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.” 

 

After scrambling to find people willing to speak at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, the Trump campaign today released a list of scheduled speakers. Trump tweeted, "I think everyone will be quite amazed at the really great lineup I've put together for the convention #bringcheckbook." 

Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)

Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.

NEW YORK — MSNBC today announced that they will rebranding their popular morning show, "morning joe", to "morning trump". Vice-president of programming, Arnold Putz said, "The new name will more accurately represent to our viewers the content of the show. The show's format will more or less stay the same — 100% coverage of Donald Trump — only now, Mika will be gagged to prevent her from blurting out stuff about that old jewish guy. What's his name? Flanders?"

The Clinton campaign announced a major rebranding after Hillary's devastating loss in New Hampshire. The Clinton campaign is now going to re-focus on the youth vote and her perceived strength with African-American voters. After adopting all of Sanders' policy positions as her own without results, the campaign has opted for more drastic measures.

The campaign has brought on rap producer Jerome "Biggie" Grimes to help work on Clinton's image. Gone are the pant suits, replaced by an entire new "youthful" look, including hip clothes, tattoos and dreadlocked hair. Clinton has worked tirelessly with image coaches to hone her new image. Clinton campaign rallies now exude a whole new vibe, including opening them to the sounds of Nas' rap anthem, "Hate Me Now". 

When asked about the new image, Clinton remarked, "Hey dude, call me "Hills". If the kids don't dig me, that's cool, I still gots (sic) their backs. We're gonna connects (sic) with my brothers and sisters more on that Facebookie thingy and other fashizzle. I thinks (sic) once they gets (sic) to knows (sic) me, they's (sic) gonna like me better than that square, Sanders."

Early response to the new tone of the campaign has been guarded. At a campaign event this morning in Greenville, SC., the crowd stared in stunned disbelief as "Hills" concluded her stump speech with a mic drop echoing through the otherwise silent gymnasium.

 

Featuring a realistically proportioned body, including a healthy beer gut, moobs, and realistic receding hairline, you won't have to worry about damaging your son's fragile ego by giving him an unrealistic body image.

But don't worry! "Real" Ken still has his manly swagger. He's still brimming with self-confidence, even with his realistic proportions. And of course, he'll still only date "original" Barbie. Sorry "real" Barbie...nice try!

Beach Ken, comes with an authentic "grape smuggling" swimsuit that isn't afraid to show off his realistically sized "assets" (same as "original" Ken's.)

And don't worry, Ken can still drive to the beach in your old Barbie Corvette (booster seat sold separately.)

Complaining that the NFL's efforts to protect its players has made the sport boring and unsuitable for satisfying the blood lust of Americans, he has promised to bring back Gladiator battles if elected. Trump promised, "The NFL has gone soft like America. In view of the Whitehouse, I will build the greatest colosseum the world has ever seen, and on those sands I will provide our once great country with the blood sports they deserve."

Rhett Jeppson, Director of the U.S. Mint, today announced that Caitlyn Jenner will grace the new $10 bill to be released in 2017.  There had been talk for sometime about the bill being replaced with a bill featuring a woman.  The Mint ran a contest on its website, allowing U.S. citizens to cast votes for a woman to be featured on the new bill. Over 2.2 million people voted, and Jenner won by a slim margin over Beyoncé (full voting results below.)

Page 2 of 5