Columbus, Ohio - Lawyers for the terrorist group ISIS today filed suit in federal district court alleging the the RNC platform committee lifted much of the Republican platform directly from their website. ISIS lawyer, Haider Salami said, “We understand the anti-gay rhetoric, that’s ‘hate-group 101’, we all use that, but the document on a whole so closely mimics our platform, that it’s almost inconceivable that they didn’t copy it directly from our web site. And it states clearly at the bottom of our site, ‘All material copyright © ISIS 2016’. This is a clear violation of international copyright law.”
After scrambling to find people willing to speak at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, the Trump campaign today released a list of scheduled speakers. Trump tweeted, "I think everyone will be quite amazed at the really great lineup I've put together for the convention #bringcheckbook."
Cleveland is planning to pollute and set on fire the Cuyahoga River to coincide with the Republican National Convention in July. The polluting and subsequent igniting of the river will be used to celebrate and symbolize the GOP’s determination to eliminate the EPA (or as Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump calls it, “The Department of Environment.”)
Earlier this week, Cleveland’s Department of Public Works started dumping toxic sludge and oil into the river. Department head, Ernesto Juarez estimated that it would take several months of intensive dumping to have the river to flammable level by the time of the convention.
Making good on his promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, today Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan proudly announced that Congress has passed a bill repealing Obamacare and replacing it with their own newly formulated "miracle" cure-all elixir.
Under the new bill, people will no longer be covered by government subsidised insurance or expanded medicare, but will be able to buy bottles of Rube-i-tussin™ Freedom-Care elixir for a deeply discounted price of $999.99 a bottle. In a press conference, Ryan claimed, "The new elixir will do everything Obamacare did and much, much more!" Ryan went on to say, "Why don't take my word for it folks, step right up and see for yourself. It cures Arrhythmias, cancers, smallpox, gingivitis, lumbago, tonsillitis, liberal bias, malaria, ulcers, diarrhea, toothaches, Islam, fallen arches, herpes, homosexuality, lymphoma, boils, constipation, near-sightedness, far-sightedness, hangnails, broken bones, colitis...why folks I could go on all night, but it's time to get the government out of your doctor's office and fix all that ails you with a nice fresh bottle of Rube-i-tussin™."
After Fox News' first GOP Presidential debate devolved into nothing more than two hours of each candidate making outlandish claims about how big a wall they would build and how many abortions they would prevent, CNN was scrambling to provide a format for the next debate that would produce more substantive results. They stole a page right from Fox's own playbook, copying the format of Fox's hit show, Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Last night's debate, moderated by Jeff Foxworthy, featured the GOP candidates debating precocious 5th graders (or 3rd graders in the earlier debate for the candidates that did not make the top 11.)